Facebook is Worse than Heroin

We’re all on it, we all hate it and yet we keep going back to it. Yes Facebook. The absolute bane of everybody’s life. The best and worst website going. What do I mean? Stand by for details.

facebook is addictive
I swear I haven’t even had one lesson in Photoshop. I’m amazing!

I suppose I had better justify what I mean when I say Facebook is worse than heroin. Basically, heroin will mostly mess up your life and maybe the lives of those immediately around you, but Facebook will allow you to mess up your life and hundreds of other people on a daily, even hourly basis. You know it’s bad for you but you’re hooked now, you need a fix.

I’m going to rant on about the kinds of things on Facebook that really tick me off, but don’t for one second think I am saying I don’t do any of these things myself because I do. We all do, and if you think you don’t, you’re a troll– or one of those people who just reads facebook and doesn’t interact with it in which case just delete it, seriously. Anyway, here are some all to common occurrences which boil my brains, and I know boil yours too:

<Ranty status usually referring to somebody without actually naming them> – “U ok hun?” – “I’ll inbox you xx”

Oh just stop you attention seeking twatface. If you want to get something off your chest on a public forum then just go for it, people will respect you for it. If your status is aimed at an individual,  name them, better yet, tag them in it, shame the twat.

And YOU, “u ok hun?” – Don’t pretend you actually care, you just want to know the gossip so you can talk about them behind their back. “I’ll inbox you” …. Oh, so this this was a big enough deal that you wanted EVERYBODY to know you were ticked off, but only the nosy few are worthy of the details. Tell you what, just ring the people you want to vent at. It’ll save everybody on your friends list the rage!

Like this if you hate cancer/love your kids/love your mother/are a troll

I hate to say it, but I must love cancer. The amount of those pictures I have ignored. I must hate my mother too, I ignored one once that said “ignore if you want her to die”, sorry, Ma. Honestly, what a load of bollocks.

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Whoever set them up isn’t stupid mind; they knew that idiots who follow instructions blindly would just click away thinking that it is going to make ANY difference, and their photo got popular and then they got offers from companies to use their page for advertising and now they’re probably sat on a beach in Mexico drinking lemonade. Fair play to them, but seriously, stop it, it’s moronic. And along the same lines ….

STOP SHARING PICTURES OF ABUSED ANIMALS!

It’s not helping anything, it’s just turning people’s stomachs. We all know the world is full of sick, twisted people who do deplorable things, we don’t need to SEE these things. If we wanted to see it we would actively seek it out. We are capable of caring and hating these acts without seeing the evidence.

And seriously, what’s liking a picture on facebook really going to do? If you want to make a difference, donate to a charity, apply to work at the RSPCA, actually DO something.

“8 Years today. I miss you, Grandpa”

A nice quick message here …. DEAD PEOPLE DON’T READ FACEBOOK YOU ATTENTION SEEKER!

“Happy birthday to my angel. 3 today. I can’t believe it.”

Okay, a few things here. I get that you’re proud of your kids and maybe want to draw attention to the anniversary of your spawn’s vaginal escape, that’s fine, but choose your words a bit better, please.

Wishing them happy birthday on facebook makes no sense, they can’t read and they don’t have facebook. It’s pointless. Just be brazen about your attention seeking, just flat-out announce it: “It’s my offspring’s birthday today. (S)He’s so excited”. I can live with that. That makes sense.

Also “I can’t believe it” … You’ve got to child-bearing age and are still bemused by the passage of time? Really?!

“Love my kids/husband all the world”

Oh we’re SOOOOOOOO happy for you, but you know those statements are just a given, we don’t need to be reminded of them daily. Feel free to tell them every day, that’s fine, that’s healthy in fact, but we don’t need to know because I promise you … we don’t care.

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If you didn’t love them, that would be more newsworthy, tell us that, but we couldn’t give a rat’s knacker that you do something you’re just supposed to do! And you love them “all the world”? I’m in this world, I don’t love them, I’ve never even met them, don’t include me in your attention seeking nonsense.

“What’s the number for ****?” “When is **** open?”

Hi, welcome to the internet, this must be your first day is it? You have posted this question to facebook so I can assume that you have some sort of internet connection, so allow me to point you in the direction of my good friend, Google!!! Ask Google, it’s much, much faster and infinitely less annoying, you get the answer in milliseconds, MILLISECONDS!

“The next person to send me a game request is getting blocked”

Look out, we have a bad boy over here! Look, game requests are irritating, I’m not disputing that, but equally irritating are the people who complain about game requests. Just block the apps instead of complaining about it, and if you don’t know how, I once again refer you to my friend, Google!

“Check out my site”

Wait a minute….

I hope you enjoyed my little rant, but more importantly I hope you learned something. I’m a bit gutted that The Huffington Post kind of beat me to this one as I’ve had this one in the chamber for a while, but at least I get to be a bit more real than they did.

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